Last year the news that caffeinated beverages would be sold on BYU campus brought shouts of joy across freshman Snapchat stories throughout Provo. “It changed my life,” exclaimed an anonymous freshman girl who is working on her M.R.S. degree.
Life is now about to change for BYU athletes as well. In a shocking press conference released after last night’s Priesthood Session of General Conference, BYU athletic director, Tom Holmoe, stated, “We want all students to enjoy the benefits of healthy caffeinated beverages throughout our campus. That is why I’m pleased to announce we have partnered with Coca Cola to make Diet Coke the official drink for all our athletic programs.”
There are many speculations on how BYU and Coca Cola will mutually benefit from this relationship.
“A custom-made, 20-ounce ‘Share a Coke with Dave Rose’ sounds like a good idea to me,” said the BYU basketball coach with a smirk on his face. Rose said they should design a special ‘rose’ gold can to pay homage to him as the basketball coach with a unique last name.
Other Coke fans such as BYU quarterback Tanner Mangum said that he would be a proponent of Coca Cola hoses on the football field.
“My favorite flavor is the LeBron’s mix edition of Sprite,” Mangum said. “Maybe King James can bring this flavor back for the Cougs.”
Mangum believes his completion percentage would go up if he consumed these soft drinks instead of traditional energy drinks like Gatorade and Powerade.
The general authorities of the LDS Church also chimed in. Dieter F. Uchtdorf confessed, in the October 2016 general conference, that he has, in fact, consumed “a diet soda that shall remain nameless.” This suggestion prompted creative potential bottle designs such as “Nameless” or “Dieter Coke.”
“Because of the Word of Wisdom that was revealed in the 1800s many Mormons have formed an opinion that caffeine is bad,” said an anonymous returned missionary, majoring in campus wildlife. “I’m with President Uchtdorf. Coffee and tea are bad, but caffeinated soda is very very very very good!” This student was bouncing off the walls as he exclaimed his love for caffeine.
When asked, “What was the most important factor in determining the consumption of Coke at BYU?” hard-core members of the Cougar Club voted an astonishing 87% that changing the bottle color from red to royal blue would most influence their decision. Only 13% said having the chance to pour Coke on the families of Utes fans in retaliation for the beer they threw on Max Hall’s family a decade ago would impact their decision the most.
This news has come as a shock to some as scientists have proven that these sugary drinks aren’t good for athletes. However, BYU science majors are hard at work testing soft drinks in the lab to come up with some benefits that this drink brings.
For those who enjoy Coca Cola make sure to join the polar bear mascot and open a bottle of this fizzy drink during this Easter season. For those who enjoy a good joke, please remember that today is also April 1st, and fake news is the best news on this day.