by Daniel Olsen
October 21, 2018
Some of us love good old banter – especially in the college ranks. The anonymous Twitter burner account @boneyfuller enjoys trolling roster pictures of BYU’s opponent that week. The Utah State Aggies had a game newsletter for the student section that had dirt on the opposing team. It started as the refraction and is now called The Bangarang. Many Utes fans are all some of the best in the business at trolling the other team.
Now it’s time to troll the opposing teams of the Jazz. But remember, it’s all in fun and there is a line. Do not cross it. Not all but a select few Jazz fans have been exposed yelling classless things at games about the families of opposing players. That has to stop. Let’s have fun and stick to making fun of their haircuts, last names, colleges, etc.
Starting lineup for the Grizzlies
The Memphis Grizzlies used to be a force to be reckoned with back when they, as the 8 seed, upset the Spurs. They had Marc Gasol, Z-Bo and a mess of talent. Unfortunately for them, it didn’t result in a Finals appearance. While moving out of Vancouver after their dismal 6 years there has helped, it hasn’t propelled them over the Jazz yet. Here is a list of guys whose owner is starting them just because he wants to tank to find the next LeBron (good luck):
Grizzlies Starting point guard: Michael Conley
Height: 6 foot 1 making our Ricky Rubio look like MJ
Weight: 175 pounds when wearing a twenty pound money Mayweather chain around his neck.
College: THE Ohio State University known for its decent basketball and stellar football in years where they don’t lose by double digits to unranked teams. Conley might be mourning the 29 point loss to Purdue this weekend but at least the name of his school starts with an indefinite article so he can still feel important.
Nicknames: This is hard since his name is relatively boring. If I were at the game I would yell “Purdue!” every time he touches the ball even though I like Ohio State. It’s also great that his name is Mike yet he’s nowhere near Michael Jordan status. Given that I’d probably yell “The Other Mike” at him.
Why he’s not good: Sources say that Mike Conley has two left feet. Just kidding. Sometimes he plays like it though. He has started the year averaging 13.5 points per game which would be his lowest since 2012 if he keeps it up. Keep in mind that he is shooting only 37% from the field which would be his most inefficient year if he keeps it up. Basically, Conley is approaching grandpa status in NBA years. Even though he’s only 31 he’s playing like he would lose to 50+ year old Michael Jordan in a game of one on one.
Grizzlies starting shooting guard: Garrett Temple
Height: 6 foot 6 and he can’t defend a barstool but Colin Cowherd still likes him more than Joe Ingles.
Weight: 195 “That’s it?” pounds.
College: The LSU “Other” Tigers of the SEC and for that matter college football. Auburn and Clemson have won a national football championship more recently than the bruisers from Baton Rouge.
Nicknames: For members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the Beehive State, the possibilities are endless. You could always sing the classic “I Love to See the Temple” Primary song whenever he touches the ball. Since nobody knows who he is you could yell “Who’s that?” when he shoots free throws. He’s kind of like the Monticello of temples. Not many people know there is an LDS Temple in Monticello, Utah, or where Monticello even is, but it’s there. That’s Garrett Temple for you. Just another guy wearing an NBA jersey.
Why he’s not good: He was undrafted, so most NBA scouts didn’t know who he was either. He surprisingly had 30 points in the win against the Hawks last weeks but don’t let that fool you. The Hawks aren’t good and most of Garrett’s shots were reportedly passes that accidentally found their way to the hoop. Also his middle name is Bartholomew. Would you trust a guy with that middle name to lead your team? I thought not.
Grizzlies Starting Small Forward: Chandler Parsons
Height: 6 foot 10 inches of OVERPAID. He’s making 24 million dollars this year? C’mon man!
Weight: 230 pounds of OVERPAID.
College: He played basketball for Florida back when they used to be relevant. Not to be confused with Flo Rida, the hip hop singer who sings a song about a whistle. Maybe this singer was writing this song urging the refs to call fouls on people that abuse Chandler Parsons.
Nickname: If this guy’s life was a movie it would be called 50 shades of OVERPAID. It can’t be restated enough. At the game I would chant “OVERPAID!” I would also randomly chant “Chandler, Arizona!” because that is the only Chandler that the average Jazz fan in Utah is familiar with.
Why he isn’t good: His salary was tied for 25th in the league last year at 23.1 million dollars. Anthony Davis made just $700,000 more than Chandler despite performing at a much statistically higher level. Basically you’re not getting your bang for your buck if Chandler Parsons is on your roster.
Grizzlies Starting Power Forward: To Be Determined…
The previous starting power forward was some guy named JaMychal Green and is out 4-6 weeks with a broken jaw so the jury is still out on who will take his place. Meanwhile, team employees are refrained from giving him jawbreaker candies.
Grizzlies Starting Center: Marc “Peaked In High School” Gasol
Height: 7 feet 1 inches (beat older bro by an inch)
Weight: 255 pounds (beat younger brother by 5 pounds).
College: Gasol played for the prestigious Lausanne Collegiate School. It is a division 2 school in Memphis, Tennessee. The community got crazy as he became really good so they had the idea that the Spanish native could be the hometown hero for the Memphis Grizzlies.
Nickname: He was called “The Big Burrito” in college so either call him that or go opposite and call him the “Small Taco”. Also, since Ricky Rubio has already been dubbed by the Jazz as The Spanish Samurai, Gasol can be dubbed the Spanish Seamstress. His name also rhymes with a swear word that starts with the letter A, so you can call him that if you’re into that sort of thing.
Why he isn’t good: He actually used to be really good. He has been a 3 time NBA All-Star and was the Defensive Player of the Year in 2013. Unfortunately for him this is 2018 and the reigning Defensive Player of the Year is Rudy Freaking Gobert. Few centers in the NBA do much offensively against him.
Bottom line: We will either see the Grizzlies that got killed by the Pacers in their season opener or a tough team that beat the Hawks in their game opener. My call is that the Jazz will pick themselves up after a close loss against Golden State and withstand a hard fought game with the Grizzlies similar to what they faced against the Kings in their season opener. Long story short, I won’t pick the Jazz by 90 or even by 30 this time. They will win by 9 points – 109 to 100 because apparently NBA teams are scoring at record highs. Apparently new rules on freedom of motion means everything is a foul.
Basically the only bear that rules in Salt Lake is the Jazz Bear, even if he did get fired and replaced by a new bear over the weekend!
Update: The Grizzlies beat the Jazz in Memphis but there is room for revenge tonight as the Jazz look for their first home win this season!