Halloween Hit List Special: The WHERE Wolves

Halloween Hit List Special: The WHERE Wolves

By: Daniel Olsen

Halloween 2018 👻

Some of us love good old banter – especially in the college ranks. The anonymous Twitter burner account @boneyfuller enjoys trolling roster pictures of BYU’s opponent that week. The Utah State Aggies had a game newsletter for the student section that had dirt on the opposing team. It started as The Refraction and is now called The Bangarang. Many Utes fans are all some of the best in the business at trolling the other team.

Now it’s time to BOO 👻 the opposing teams of the Jazz. But remember, it’s all in fun and there is a line. Do not cross it. Not all but a select few Jazz fans have been exposed yelling classless things at games about the families of opposing players. That has to stop. Let’s have fun and stick to making fun of their haircuts, last names, colleges, etc. No more groaning ghouls this Halloween season.

Starting lineup for the “WHERE???” Wolves:

The Northwest is the toughest division in the NBA. Four out of five teams made the playoffs and the Nuggets came just shy of the postseason.

The recent acquisition of Jimmy Butler last year brought the young Timber puppies to the 8 seed last year. They did ok but ultimately lost to the Rockets in 5 games. They defeated the Lakers 124-120 on Monday so they aren’t going to come quietly when they host the Jazz in the Target Center. No they aren’t playing at your nearby Target store. They’re playing in Minneapolis, the evil one of the Twin Cities. Many thought that the Wolves would be contenders with Jimmy leading the way but nobody cares about the WHERE Wolves because nobody knows WHERE they are in the USA or in the Western Conference standings.

They haven’t been quiet at all for that matter this season. Look at the Karl-Anthony Towns and Jimmy Butler soap opera. They teach kids in kindergarten to play nice. I guess some NBA players didn’t pay much attention in kindergarten. So what Halloween character does each starter on the Wolves remind you of? Let’s break them all down.

Starting Point Guard: Jeff Teague

Height: 6 foot 2. Barely tall enough to hip check Rubio without jumping.

Weight: 195 pounds. A cruiser weight in most divisions. Again, he really likes to beat up Ricky Rubio since it’s his only shot to win right?

College: Wake Forest, a team nicknamed after sons of a bishop everywhere (Demon Deacons)

Halloween names: This isn’t Halloween related but if I was watching him play I would yell “Jeff Teague? Not in this league!” If I was to give him a Halloween name I guess I’d predict he would cross dress and go to the party as Shakira. After all, the hips don’t lie and we saw what he did to Rubio in March. Football play.

Why he isn’t good: Have I not made myself clear? He has to play dirty to remain competitive.

Starting Shooting Guards: Jimmy Butler

Height: 6 foot 8, or 7 ft if you count his “Guile from Street Fighter” haircut.

Weight: 232 pounds. So basically LeBron would bulldoze him.

College: Marquette Golden Eagles. To Marquette to Marquette to draft a phat Jimmy. Home again home again…. shimmy shimmy.

Halloween names: Anything that rhymes with “Jimmy Buckets” that isn’t a swear word. Just kidding. Make fun of his drama. I’d be yelling “You need me!” just like he did to Thibs.

Of all the possible Halloween characters JB is a werewolf. He’s always howling when he doesn’t get calls or when Karl Anthony-Towns hurts his feelings. There are plenty of ideas to troll this wolf. Even Jimmy Neutron, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon would troll this Jimmy.

Why he isn’t good: Ok he’s good but did he get the rookie three point record? Nope? Did he win or even appear in a dunk contest? Nah. So is Donovan Mitchell better? We better believe he is!

Starting Small Forward: Andrew Wiggins

Courtesy of twincities.com : Wiggins breaks the number one rule of Tinder by using this group photo as his profile pic.

Height: 6 feet 8 inches of “promise”. The Cavs got the better end of the Wiggins deal because “They found Love in a hopeless place.”

Weight: 202 pounds? Jeff Teague the point guard weighs almost as much. Eat your meat and potatoes man!

College: The Kansas Jayhawks who defeated a Big 10 team in football this year! It was Rutgers but….. Rock Chalk up a rare win for KU.

Halloween Names: Andrew Wiggins is such a silly name I’d say he’d fit a clown costume perfectly. He’s not a scary clown though. He’s a helpless clown. He shoots from the outside worse than a blind clown shoots a water gun.

Why he isn’t good: His team got the raw end of the Kevin Love deal. Kevin Love won a title and Wiggins couldn’t even make it to the playoffs until Jimmy Butler “came to the rescue”.

Starting Power Forward: Taj Gibson

Still not sure who Taj Gibson is or what he looks like so here is a picture of Casper the friendly ghost

Height: 6 foot 9 (seriously, your backcourt is as tall as your front court. What gives?)

Weight: 232 pounds (congrats you got more bulk than Wiggins)

College: USC back when football coach Pete Carroll was violating NCAA rules. Classy.

Halloween Names: He’s mostly like a ghost because only the diehard Bulls fans from 7 years ago know who he is. Gibson the Ghost. That has a nice ring to it.

Why he isn’t good: Besides that one handed put back dunk he made that one time in that one playoff series where he undoubtedly lost to LeBron, what has he done? He just fills a seat and unfortunately for the “WHERE?” Wolves that seat happens to be in the starting lineup. Experience isn’t the answer here folks.

Starting Center: Karl-Anthony Towns

KAT be like “Oh no. Jimmy Butler is ticked at me and he hasn’t been traded yet.”

Height: 7 feet of team discord

Weight: 248 pounds of locker room problems

College: That same undefeated Kentucky team that another guy with a two-part name (Cauley-Stein) was on that didn’t stay undefeated in the NCAA tournament. Smile and say Wisconsin cheese!

Halloween Name: When big market teams like the Yankees or Cowboys don’t win for 10-20 years, some sports analysts would superstitiously say “There’s a black cat running around that organization!” Well Minnesota is far from a big market but if they were, their unlucky black cat would be none other than K.A.T. His name doesn’t flow like the legendary Karl Malone of the Utah Jazz did especially with “Stockton to” preceding his name. “Karl Anthony-Towns gotta do what Karl Anthony-Towns gotta do.” Are you kidding me? Put him in line with all the other girls dressed in a skimpy cat outfit that are trying to get some attention at the Halloween party.

Why he isn’t good: No amount of success on the court can compensate for failure in the locker room. JB and KAT gotta have a Dr. Phil session or something. I would pay to watch that live.

Bottom Line

The TWolves might make the playoffs if they stay healthy but the future doesn’t look too bright since Butler doesn’t want to be there and their young promising guys don’t have the same level of player development that the Utah Jazz do. The Jazz are becoming a top professional organization in the NBA and even former Jazz man Enes Kanter of the lowly New York Knicks might have to agree.


Hit while they’re cocky over their Laker win. Jazz by 13 since unlucky is the middle name of every Wolves fan. Ooooooooh!

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