Breaking: Real Salt Lake to add Striker to Squad

Breaking: Real Salt Lake to add Striker to Squad

by Daniel Olsen

After countless days of speculation on this obvious hole that the club needs to fill, Real Salt Lake has announced that the striker position has been filled by someone who ironically has never played striker. While he is new to MLS, Dale Stephens was well known for his time in the Premiere League as a midfielder.

Stephens was slated to retire last year with Burnley, a second-tier English club. While he hasn’t scored a goal since the 2018-2019 season, Stephens is confident that he can excel in a position that will require him to score much needed goals for an RSL team that scored just one goal in their three losses in March.

“Think of me as Zava on season three of Ted Lasso,” Stephens said. “I’m just not as weird. I’ve never been to the United States, but I saw some pictures of Utah on Wikipedia and I have to say the claret red statue you built called the Delicate Arch outside the America First Field is absolutely beautiful.”

While Stephens might require a crash course in Utah geography, he should have no problem navigating the field. His favorite hobbies include watching reruns of childhood shows like the British version of The Office on the telly.

“I am really honored for the #DaleReal hashtag you guys use in my honor,” Stephens said. “It’s amazing to think on my first day, the fan base thinks of me when they think of Real Salt Lake.”

Stephens might need a crash course in the Spanish language too. RSL was considering signing former Canadian striker Dale Mitchell, but at age 64 he is a bit more of a liability than a 33-year-old Stephens who has never played the position.

“There is not much else to say,” Justen Glad said. “They wanted a guy named Dale so people would stop asking who Dale is when they see that hashtag. It’s pronounced DAH-LAY. Come on man. I don’t speak Spanish and I know what that hashtag means.”

Fans can only hope that the retired midfielder Stephens can at least double their March goal count in April. They will head to Columbus, Ohio today and are planning on wishing you a happy April Fools Day if you haven’t caught on by the end of this article that this is a satire story. Have a great match day whether you are cheering for Dale or Real.

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